This year I was grateful because even tough my life this year started as a hard mode level of a Game somethings that happened made it bearable but those things had started to become something sad now. When I was little I used to be really close with one of my cousins, I think that a certain point I was close with each of them but specially with her because the other ones got away for a long time and only her remained like "close" somehow.
We stop talking when I was on the middle of University because she got a "tumor" caused by a hormonal problem and I got one almost at the same time, she got surgery for it and when I got diagnosed she was just on recovery, everyone in my family worried about me too but she got mad because according to her I got mine just to keep attention away from her, then she wished me to got cancer and die. And that was the reason we didn't talk again for years, then every year when we met at Christmas with the family she started doing some nasty behavior to piss me off, like trying to always get me apart of everyone or trying to keep the attention over her. She used to sit on my godfather legs and "pet" him while looking at me like you know that kind of sight of "look I have now what used to be yours", also she entered to University and picked the same career as me, and she started to get more and more and more attention until she just got everything for her, she won and she made me invisible for my family. She picked the right time tough every time my mom had a problem with someone because we were struggling with financial problems, that's when she did her best to make me none even there I felt sometimes like I wasn't important anymore.
But anyway long story short this year we talk and she started that thing about getting along again because she has missed me for all this years and stuff like that, and to be honest I kind of missed her too, I missed to have a friend but maybe I didn't miss her at all .....anyway we ended talking again because my mom is gonna get surgery and everyone in my family is worried or at least that's what everyone say I don't really think everyone is worried I know some of them just try to pretend. We made a whatsApp group for "cousins" with her sister and my cousin Evee from LA but I'm not really for being on groups that aren't active it makes me anxious so I left and Evee got kind of "mad" at me, so few days after I made the group again.
We kind of talked few times, then it started to be less and less constant until we have more than a month without saying anything, and I'm anxious and mad and sad and many emotions run on my mind for it because I just can't get so many facts about them.
I don't get why she told me she felt lonely and she want to recover all the lost years if every time I ask her to hang out she just say "yes and we can invite my sister" but she never says a word about it again, also her sister had a baby a few months ago and many things are just weird about it, they told us they gonna bring the baby so my mom could met him but they never did, it was their mom who brought the baby few weeks ago. Why?.
I told her to try and trust on her again that I was struggling to find a job and I told them the story of why is been so difficult for me tho get a job after what that guy on Draexlmaier did to me. But she didn't even flinch not even was worried or concerned about me....but I tried to ignore it and ask her for help to find a job, she said she couldn't help me because her sister lost her job for the pregnancy and she was helping her .....some weeks later I learned for her sister that was bullshit, my other cousin had a job she never lost it.
Evee just changed a lot, she has started to pretend she's "rich" and living with luxury even tough both she and her husband don't have jobs to pay all their things but meh.....she just changed with me, like 2 years ago she said she wanted to help me reach my dream to be an Illustrator and live from it but this year she just don't pay attention to me when I talk to her, she doesn't say anything to me, she doesn't share anything with me but stupid memes, she's not interested in my life, or anything actually important.
But I know they both talk, why I don't get is why did they told me they want us to be a family again or be together again if they don't....I don't want to be mean or something or ungrateful because I was actually happy we were talking again but this isn't a family, I got stranger more interested on me than them and that's not ok.....family is supposed to be there fore you no matter what and they just ignore me, they don't talk to me unless I'm the one that say anything so what was the point at the end?.
I feel mad, I don't want to be angry I'm just don't know.....maybe I'm angry with me because I'm supposed to learn to not expect anything back from anyone but I got to be really naive to believe they actually wanted to be a family again...with me and I was wrong, and that made me sad and felt disappointing and I don't want to deal with that because I really wanted to be a Family again........but I can't force them to like me that's the hard part......sometimes I wish people just stay on their path and don't get close to me and do these things because they just make me happy for a while and then make me feel like this like I made the wrong choice letting them in again....
