Why I can't move on?

It's been really awful ....I mean lately I can't be or feel "in peace" I dunno ...well actually I kind of know but what I mean is that I dunno really why I can't stop holding to my past. I even had weird dreams that convine things that can't leave my mind and stuff I saw on TV or somewhere on my daily life.....it's getting annoying.

Today I was supposed to enjoy the community day on pokemon go but I couldn't because whenever I'm at Tequis park I remember something horrible or sad or annoying about the time I was part of that sect named FEF (see I'm still upset about it). When we were at Morales Park I was remembering "David" and daydreaming about what should have been if he weren't an asshole and weren't my ex new acquisition as a "friend" and how we used to hang out with him to catch pokemon...why I can't just move on about that? He decided not to understand that I didn't want anyone know about my life or my relation or my marriage, he didn't want to talk or listen so why I still botter about it? just Why I can't let it go?.

Also why I'm still thinking about whay Brenda did to me on FEF or why does Marce told me we were friends but she betrayed me and why did she marry Litos and bla bla bla bla...and why I still want to do a video telling my "story" about abuse and that on that group when I'm mostly sure that I'm not able to even make a change with it cuz I don't have that thing youtubers have or people who tell their stories and their family and friends make the thing viral....I'm ignored most of the time.

And my mind is still attached to Andres I can't stop dreaming at least once a month with his family or with him or something related to him or my dream develops around his house sorounds...I'm just tired about all this shit.

I want to move on, I want to take control of my life I want to succeed on something ....and I'm not being able I know I have made changes but still isn't enough, my friends tell me to be patient that I've to take one step a time but I can't stop feeling like a looser, my biggest urgency right now is that I want to live on my own place, I want my own space.....and that's driving me crazy. And that leads to other little things that doesn't stop to sum.....I want to feel ok again, I started to feel anxious again and that pain I use to have above my eybrow bone....it's hurting me again, the sudden headaches and of course the insomnia.

I want really bad to talk to my therapist....

Dealing with anxiety

I no longer remember how does it feel to feel "ok", It's been quite a while since I woke up without feeling my life sucks in anyway. This last days have been a bit thoughtful for me, I was trying to deal with the fact that a friend was not longer a person of my sympathy and that I was not being able to tolerate her anymore and that made me anxious. I'm asking myself if I was really on the right to not like her ways or if was being intolerant ....I mean in not a rational way.

Yesterday  we had president elections here and it wasn't as pleasant as you can imagine, but we knew it, many people was in favor of a candidate that wasn't a good choice for my country at least from my point of view, but many people is frustrated because the last years we have been dealing with corruption and power abuse and this person just took advantage of it to convince people onto him.

Anyway i wrote something out of my desperation and worries and I ended up being target of jokes and people laughing about my feelings including this girl I really liked and appreciated, any wan long story short I just ended my relationship with her, I thank her for what she did for me and her guidance on a diet that's been really helpful and wished her the best, she didn't believe me....and she told me I was not always right (personally that stupid I don't think I'm always right but ok...) and that I'm not perfect....but she thinks I got mad because she "laughed" of my post on my Facebook she don't make a register that I don't like that many time she was hypocrite about someone or something.

And that's the story, now I'm unnecessary stressed and feeling like shit, because my brain don't stop asking me if I do really act as if I'm perfect and I can't stop feeling  like a bad person even tough I'm conscious that I'm not...it feels awful and unpleasant to be me right now, my shoulders and back are just hurting a lot and I feel without energy, I hate when I have to deal with things like this, that's the main reason I don't like people sometimes.

I want to close that chapter already

I don't really want to talk about it cuz is a topic that should already been closed on my life, but I'm still dealing with some damaged caused by an old partner I had and his family and everything that went wrong in the meanwhile and its been hard for me to still have to deal with it cuz my best friends keeps bringing the topic to my life over and over again. I don't want to unfriend him cuz aside of that he's been a good friend.

I haven't slept well again, and is an issue that is making it difficult for me to control, I have been struggling with insomnia and other sleep disorders and this is not helping at all.

shitty habits

Kind of hard to admit I'm having a blast lately judging people, more than I should....well we aren't supposed to judge but you know we are all fucking retards and we still do it, it's kind of a human thing. 

But man...I can't stand people sometimes, or many times...actually I started to think I'm kind of an asshole who hates people cuz many times a day I think most people are just a bunch of idiots. It really bothers me that people without proper education or knowledge have access to the Internet, I know it sounds really egocentric or elitist from me but GOD!....everyone seems to be like a bunch of apes that learned to write and just that....and not very well I must observe. 

Nobody seems to worry about proper communication, nor they express their thoughts remotely clear or legible....orthography seems to be overrated these days. And for people I'm related to ....sighs I don't even know where to start, I'm still having trouble understanding why on earth people say things they don't actually mean, not talking about things you said when you are angry but things people say making other have illusions or hope like saying "We are friends" but they don't actually even ask you time to time if you are ok or at least say hi or something. Things like "you can count on me, you can talk to me whenever you need", believe me they don't mean it...I'm trying to understand is a kind of polite thing they try to do but it's kinda hard to understand.....seem's more like a lie to me a pretty shitty one if you ask me.

I have a group of "friends" I met playing League a while ago and it was fine a bit ago but lately I just want to forget sometimes I met them and believe me I do a huge effort to put my real "me" aside and stand it because sometimes I just want to tell them how childish and stupid they are most of the time. I try to help them, and many times I gave them some advice and share my experiences with them but sometimes I feel like "why do I even bother?".

There's this girl...Nath I used to stand her, and being me that's a thing trust me but lately I'm starting to see her like something you just want to punch in the face really hard and left. She has been sweet to me sometimes but again is just some of that shitty "politeness" we already discuss she didn't really mean to be there for me. She has betrayed my trust many times ...with silly things but still counts for me, I don't like when people make those things to me. She told me many times to play together on tournaments but every fuckin time I saw her looking for a team on her own even though she knew I was waiting for her to look for 3 players more and start practicing. I even tried to be nice to her I made some compliments to her pointing out how good she is playing mid lanner and guess what?...She didn't cared....

She has PCOS like me but she makes a fuckin drama out of everything, I hate when people victimize themselves to get attention or to seem like they are fighting against a disease as bad as cancer or something. PCOS is really bad I'm not saying is not, but you can't be everyday the woman in distress for everything that happens to you during your day. I tolerated it at first like I even show her my support and that as a fellow PCOS....gal (?) I'm here for her but....really she talks like she's the fighter of the year and her friends always play along the role with her....and is fuckin annoying. 

the purge of Anger...

There's been a while since I lost the habit to write, and it has cost me a lot, I used to write to control my feelings and help me to let everything go away but I let my life an other things take me away from it.

There are many things happening in my life now, I don't even know sometimes where to start thinking or making the think process to try and solve them, is really getting hard for me to think clear and it's getting the few moments I enjoy on my days away. 

I'm dealing with a reality I never wanted to see, somehow I knew it was there but is one of those things you just choose to ignore on purpose because it hurts. I'm facing the fact that my mom is one of the biggest problems in my life, not like she's a bad person at all but she did a really good job fucking with my mental health during my life. I've been told by my psychologist it's a condition that doesn't allow her to notice she's doing harm to me but that doesn't make it more easy to stand.

It's hard for to learn a new way of perspective, to find a way to deal with things that I need to ignore and don't let them make more harm to me, it's hard to understand I'm not a child anymore and I don't need her approval or anything at all from her, that her words can't hurt me anymore or to understand I did a good job growing up and dealing with life even tough I was just a child without any clues on how to live at all. I'm trying and I'm doing my best or at least that's what I want to think, one thing to deal with at a time....that's another thing to work with.

But I'm ok, I can't complain at all life hasn't been that harsh with me at all, I actually have many things to be thankful about. I found out I'm not dying, I don't have anything that's going to kill me soon, just some things I have to fix but believe that compared with living everyday thinking you can go to sleep and never wake up again it's really something. 

I have a great husband, he's really awesome, we argue many times but I kind of enjoy it, it's nothing toxic, it's like having silly discussions or fights with your best friend or your siblings that you forget just a few minutes later, and I'm thankful for that, I'm thankful for not being in a toxic relationship anymore and I'm thankful to have lost those people that hurt me a while ago. Life is tough sometimes it really took me time and so many pain to learn to stay away from people who actually didn't love me but I learned and that's something that makes me proud.

I'm blessed for having what I have even tough I have many things to fix with myself don't get my wrong I do really believe life is having a bit of mercy with me, finally.