the purge of Anger...

There's been a while since I lost the habit to write, and it has cost me a lot, I used to write to control my feelings and help me to let everything go away but I let my life an other things take me away from it.

There are many things happening in my life now, I don't even know sometimes where to start thinking or making the think process to try and solve them, is really getting hard for me to think clear and it's getting the few moments I enjoy on my days away. 

I'm dealing with a reality I never wanted to see, somehow I knew it was there but is one of those things you just choose to ignore on purpose because it hurts. I'm facing the fact that my mom is one of the biggest problems in my life, not like she's a bad person at all but she did a really good job fucking with my mental health during my life. I've been told by my psychologist it's a condition that doesn't allow her to notice she's doing harm to me but that doesn't make it more easy to stand.

It's hard for to learn a new way of perspective, to find a way to deal with things that I need to ignore and don't let them make more harm to me, it's hard to understand I'm not a child anymore and I don't need her approval or anything at all from her, that her words can't hurt me anymore or to understand I did a good job growing up and dealing with life even tough I was just a child without any clues on how to live at all. I'm trying and I'm doing my best or at least that's what I want to think, one thing to deal with at a time....that's another thing to work with.

But I'm ok, I can't complain at all life hasn't been that harsh with me at all, I actually have many things to be thankful about. I found out I'm not dying, I don't have anything that's going to kill me soon, just some things I have to fix but believe that compared with living everyday thinking you can go to sleep and never wake up again it's really something. 

I have a great husband, he's really awesome, we argue many times but I kind of enjoy it, it's nothing toxic, it's like having silly discussions or fights with your best friend or your siblings that you forget just a few minutes later, and I'm thankful for that, I'm thankful for not being in a toxic relationship anymore and I'm thankful to have lost those people that hurt me a while ago. Life is tough sometimes it really took me time and so many pain to learn to stay away from people who actually didn't love me but I learned and that's something that makes me proud.

I'm blessed for having what I have even tough I have many things to fix with myself don't get my wrong I do really believe life is having a bit of mercy with me, finally.