Honeywell disappointment

It's been a difficult month for me, I don't remember if I mentioned that on this year I was going to be 5 years without a job. I was looking for a job all this time without any luck until I confirmed at the beginning of this year one of my greatness fears.

In Mexico there's something called "boletinar" that is basically a kind of "black list" that companies create, they add you to that list for several reasons, some of them are fair like being late many days, not doing your job, harassment to coworkers, etc. you get the idea. But they can also add you if they want making some shit about you because nobody cares enough to make sure you actually did what they put on that list. It's illegal but you know is Mexico it doesn't really matter if it's legal or not they just do as they please.

I went to the National secretary of employment to see if they can do something about it, mostly because I was going crazy with all that free time and my anxiety of not being able to be productive and the fact I actually felt like a loser were killing me. They send me to an employment fair at Honeywell. I did all the process and I succeeded even though at the middle i was going to quit because they did every step on the same day and I was feeling really anxious and my mind was paying me tricks but I was able to finish.

Long story short I started at the beginning of July, and I was really happy because they sell you the company is super friendly and a good work environment over all. They even tell you that they aren't like other companies that punish you if you go to HR and tell them something is happening ot that you aren't feeling "happy" at all. The first month was a blast with all the training and information, I was lucky to be on my onboarding with really nice people we all became kind of friend during this time and I was feeling great, happy and proud of myself for being productive again. Then the difficult times started, we didn't had the proper training to start with the job, by the way they never told me I was going to be working as in a "call center" , they told me I was going to be answering calls and giving support but in another way like I´ll have the devices on my hand or near me to perform a correct troubleshooting but that I also was going to have enough deep knowledge on the devices and I didn't.

On the friday before I started I didn't even have all the tools I was going to use, I didn't even have all the credentials to access some of the tools and I only had 4 hours of "shadowing" one of my colleagues to "learn" how to do everything. Anyway I managed to do everything as I was supposed to do it not excellent because there's a "learning curve" for all this but I managed in my own way to perform well. The problem started a day had a call from a customer that wasn't understanding what I was saying but in that moment I thought he was referring to my pronunciation or my accent not about what I was "literally saying", he hung me up and I got really nervous then he called back again and I was unlucky enough to take his call again, I transferred his call to a friend as he asked me and right after she answered he hung again so we deduced he didn't like to talk to Mexicans or to women but it wasn't our fault. My manager held on that call forever he told me I wasn't capable to solve the customers needs, he told me just for that call that I don't know "English" (but you can see I do) and he gave in really rude way an ultimatum. Since that day I couldn't perform correctly on my work, I was scared all the time to answer my calls, but even so I was able to get enough cases an calls to accomplish my metrics. In the meanwhile a coworker offered to gave me some lessons to help me improve my English and I accepted, I improved a lot but I still was struggling with confidence.

I asked for help to the English teacher they have at the Company and he told me that my English was almost "excellent" but that I lack confidence he told me he was going to help me with that, many people offered to help me and they did but there was another problem. My manager cambe back after a "furlough" and he was acting weird with me, we never had another 1 on 1 we spoke to each other because every time I asked for it not because he was willing to give positive feedback not even feedback at all. He also discouraged every attempt I did to improve the team's performance, I suggested many times solutions to keep our team on the top but every time he says "NO" or "how does that affect you?". He even said once on a tier meeting that he thinks my idea of congratulates everyone whenever they had positive feedback from customers was stupid, even though the other teams did it.

At the end on my last week I was on the top 3 from my tier, I was 2nd place but I was 1st place with the amount of positive surveys and feedback from customers, it didn't matter. I got an email from HR asking for a mandatory meeting and I dunno why but I already knew they weren't going to extend my contract and that that day was my last one. They weren't as friendly as they say on the first month, they are rude with you and they allow the supervisors to make you feel like shit if they want, a few weeks back I went to HR and talked to my HR specialist or something like that I don't remember the actual title but the HR person that is assigned to you for this matters. I told him what my supervisor did to me the way he delivered that "ultimatum" to me and everything he did like discouraging every idea I had or that time he told me that Honeywell's 8 behaviours are ok and I was doing ok but "please don't do further that we told you to do". So yeah basically they make you trust them on all that lies about being open to know about your needs or about any situation that is making you uncomfortable, also is a big lie they don't punish you I was isolated from most of my coworkers and my supervisor was making my life really hard on that days even though every time I told them I was struggling with getting calls but I wanted to improve and get over it, I asked many times for help to improve and managed on my own to kept my metrics on green.

My last day they treated me like shit as if I was some kind of delinquent or something. I arrived early that day and left my purse and stuff on my desk and went straight to HR, they locked me on an office with my supervisor and an HR employee to let me know Honeywell didn't want to continue they relationship with me due my lack on knowledge on the English language, I tried to defend myself and asked why do they use that as an excuse to finish my contract as it was obvious I do know English, I also pointed out what their English teacher said about me, they didn't listen they even said that their English teacher has no saying on me.....funny right?.

I wasn't allowed to collect my stuff they sent my supervisor for it, I wasn't able to say good bye either they accompanied me to the elevator and then straight to a lawyer to make sure I didn't sue them or something like that.  In the meanwhile as we waited for my supervisor to bring my stuff I spoke with the HR guy and he took a look to my profile and my metrics and even him didn't understand why they were ending my contract I told him about my reunion with my HR specialist and everything that was happening between my supervisor and me, all the mean thing he said to me and every time he discouraged me. He told me he wasn't aware of anything and that he can't did anything at that point , the decision was made. My supervisor as the coward he is, ran away after leaving my stuff he never faced me at any time he was just asking over and over again "can I leave now"...... felt so angry and disappointed. I did my best to keep everything as they asked, but nobody helped me with my supervisor's arrogance and his bad vibes towards me.

I really liked Honeywell as a Company, I do want to believe all that stuff about their 8 behaviors is true and that they actually don't punish you if you go to HR and speak the truth to them but I do feel disappointed on the way I was mostly kicked out of Honeywell San Luis Potosí, Mexico. They have a lot of staff turnover and that's not good for any Company but they seem to don't care on investigating why people leave the Company after a few months. They don't seem to see that they're losing money training people that after a few months feel uncomfortable and just want to leave , you invested enough on training them just make sure to have a healthy environment to them and let them work on proper conditions that's all you need!!

I wish I could tell Darius Adamczyk President and CEO at Honeywell about this, because I still believe he's vision and "8 behaviours" are actually good but people aren't following any of them at least at Mexico.

My Cousins

This year I was grateful because even tough my life this year started as a hard mode level of a Game somethings that happened made it bearable but those things had started to become something sad now. When I was little I used to be really close with one of my cousins, I think that a certain point I was close with each of them but specially with her because the other ones got away for a long time and only her remained like "close" somehow.

We stop talking when I was on the middle of University because she got a "tumor" caused by a hormonal problem and I got one almost at the same time, she got surgery for it and when I got diagnosed she was just on recovery, everyone in my family worried about me too but she got mad because according to her I got mine just to keep attention away from her, then she wished me to got cancer and die. And that was the reason we didn't talk again for years, then every year when we met at Christmas with the family she started doing some nasty behavior to piss me off, like trying to always get me apart of everyone or trying to keep the attention over her. She used to sit on my godfather legs and "pet" him while looking at me like you know that kind of sight of "look I have now what used to be yours", also she entered to University and picked the same career as me, and she started to get more and more and more attention until she just got everything for her, she won and she made me invisible for my family. She picked the right time tough every time my mom had a problem with someone because we were struggling with financial problems, that's when she did her best to make me none even there I felt sometimes like I wasn't important anymore.

But anyway long story short this year we talk and she started that thing about getting along again because she has missed me for all this years and stuff like that, and to be honest I kind of missed her too, I missed to have a friend but maybe I didn't miss her at all .....anyway we ended talking again because my mom is gonna get surgery and everyone in my family is worried or at least that's what everyone say I don't really think everyone is worried I know some of them just try to pretend. We made a whatsApp group for "cousins" with her sister and my cousin Evee from LA but I'm not really for being on groups that aren't active it makes me anxious so I left and Evee got kind of "mad" at me, so few days after I made the group again.

We kind of talked few times, then it started to be less and less constant until we have more than a month without saying anything, and I'm anxious and mad and sad and many emotions run on my mind for it because I just can't get so many facts about them.

I don't get why she told me she felt lonely and she want to recover all the lost years if every time I ask her to hang out she just say "yes and we can invite my sister" but she never says a word about it again, also her sister had a baby a few months ago and many things are just weird about it, they told us they gonna bring the baby so my mom could met him but they never did, it was their mom who brought the baby few weeks ago. Why?.

I told her to try and trust on her again that I was struggling to find a job and I told them the story of why is been so difficult for me tho get a job after what that guy on Draexlmaier did to me. But she didn't even flinch not even was worried or concerned about me....but I tried to ignore it and ask her for help to find a job, she said she couldn't help me because her sister lost her job for the pregnancy and she was helping her .....some weeks later I learned for her sister that was bullshit, my other cousin had a job she never lost it.

Evee just changed a lot, she has started to pretend she's "rich" and living with luxury even tough both she and her husband don't have jobs to pay all their things but meh.....she just changed with me, like 2 years ago she said she wanted to help me reach my dream to be an Illustrator and live from it but this year she just don't pay attention to me when I talk to her, she doesn't say anything to me, she doesn't share anything with me but stupid memes, she's not interested in my life, or anything actually important.

But I know they both talk, why I don't get is why did they told me they want us to be a family again or be together again if they don't....I don't want to be mean or something or ungrateful because I was actually happy we were talking again but this isn't a family, I got stranger more interested on me than them and that's not ok.....family is supposed to be there fore you no matter what and they just ignore me, they don't talk to me unless I'm the one that say anything so what was the point at the end?.

I feel mad, I don't want to be angry I'm just don't know.....maybe I'm angry with me because I'm supposed to learn to not expect anything back from anyone but I got to be really naive to believe they actually wanted to be a family again...with me and I was wrong, and that made me sad and felt disappointing and I don't want to deal with that because I really wanted to be a Family again........but I can't force them to like me that's the hard part......sometimes I wish people just stay on their path and don't get close to me and do these things because they just make me happy for a while and then make me feel like this like I made the wrong choice letting them in again....

My world is falling apart

I don't like to write much about negative things that usually happen to me because I've tried for a while to focus on the "good things" and "positive" ones, but lately is been a pain for me to try and keep my mind at peace. Since the last months of 2018 we have been struggling with some things, we lost our car and it was really sad because I know my husband really liked that car but the costs for making it work again were too high and almost as the same value of the car. So we started looking for a new one, we took several months to accomplish that because as we are "young" we don't have many opportunities to got a funding for it so we had to got two, one for the deposit and one for the rest of it. We did all this because le husband needed a car to keep his work at safe but we didn't imagine we were going to be really sorry few months later.

The Company were he worked for was supposed to be trying to hire him directly because since January of this year GM (General Motors) changed their supplier's contracts and make them hire their representatives directly and not through an outsourcing company, and my husband was hired that way. The Company that he represented was just making excuses all the time, it came to December when we were really worried because he won't be able to access into GM without being directly contracted and December came to an end and no response from the Company.

Meanwhile we made a short trip, a family trip my parents are too devoted to the Catholic church so we went to a nearby village to have my mom see "La Virgen de San Juan" and have a break from our life. It was everything ok until we were taking a walk on the church's nearby market place and my mom fell entering into a store, she's almost 80 year old and we got really scared for her. The next day when we were heading home and we were already on the city we had a car accident, yep in the new car.....fortunately we had an insurance so we called and they arrived to got the car to a workshop but since it was December 23 it was most likely they weren't going to work on it until January.

No story long, on the first week of January my husband went to work as always with an special permission from his contact on GM to work for that month until he get an actual response from his Company but on Friday the outsourcing called and asked him why was he working still?, we had no clue about what were they talking about and then they explained to us the Company ended his contract on December 31 and nobody told him. Yikes!

So we had money for only one month and no more, January is a really difficult month because there are no one hiring until late on February or perhaps until March. So we are kind of broke right now, we have got money from selling some of our personal belongings but no offers or jobs available for us. I had to stop going to the psychiatrist and stop taking my medicament too. My parents aren't making this easy as well, my dad offer to keep us until my husband finds a job, or me but it's getting really complicated.

My mom's health is really bad and also on January we learned she has to go trough surgery this year or else she's gonna die, which leave us without options because she also my die on the surgery so.....and she's making a big deal of it but I mean real big deal like she is supposed to eat well and has some restrictions on her diet but she doesn't follow the Doctor's indications. She also made my family think we don't do anything for her and she got help from her siblings to pay private medical attendance and stuff and everyone now has us as just a pair of looser who are just leaching from them or lazy assholes. She also asks for money even tough she know I don't have any but still she makes me feel uncomfortable every time she can. So we aren't getting a healthy amount of sleeping, we can't afford to be out of here, and we don't really know what to do.

We didn't pay this month fee on the car, we don't have any money left, I feel really bad most of the time, and I have been struggling with my depression and my anxiety and my fibromyalgia all this days and I don't even know what to do or how to deal with everything and there are days like today I just don't want to be here I wish to be someone else or disappear or I don't know......we don't have friends left and the only ones left can't help us, my family in law can't help us, my actually family can help us but don't care and don't want anyway.

So we are falling apart, my world is falling apart, and I got really disappointed on my "friends" they don't want to help us, they don't want to hear about us not being well, one of them actually told me she's tired of it not directly but something like "people gets tired of hearing over and over again you're not doing it well, and I mean I can understand it, you get tired of negativity" and I'm like "thanks is not like I'm trying to get out of this or something I'm just sitting here and being negative ....thanks". She also told me I'm better alone like I deserve to be alone and it's ok if everyone leaves me because for her "being alone worked to push her"....yeah but we are different people, nah she didn't care she kept telling me that until I told her "you're making me feel worst :/" and she still didn't get why she was making me feel worst.

And that's how my life's going right now.....