She came into my life so sudden that I didn't even notice how quick she became so important for me, but....as quick as she came and I started having feelings for her as quick everything went down to the hill.
My life is not as "pretty" I wish it was, and she was a little hope for me to maybe life was telling me I wasn't in the right place and that I can experiment other ways to be happy that actually fit me, but then everything just faded in less than a night .
She wanted to talk about me, because I wasn't feeling well and I didn't want because last weeks while everything with her escalated to another level and I confessed what I was feeling, everything went from "yey Love" to "...we will never see each other" and "yeah I love you but....", I know it was already the answer but deep in my heart I had hope she was going to say "I love you so much, just wait for me I'll do my best and be there with you so we can have all the things you wished for and we'll be together ....", much of a fairy thing? yeah I know...
To all of this, my husband is still here, and is not like I don't love him but I don't feel valued anymore, He doesn't seem to value whatever effort I do for him, He thinks everything he needs from me he would never get it, because I haven't been able to do it, or sometimes I just forget it, he thinks that means I don't care.
I haven't been able to have a healthy sexual life with him, intimacy is something that is very hard for me cause all the trauma I have experienced and most of the time I'm blocked or I my livid is almost none existent. He knows about all the stuff I suffered and about the abuse, etc. But still doesn't seem to comprehend why I can't. And is fair he needs it and he has all the right to feel unseen and unliked but I wish he could understand that is not like that is not like I doesn't want to be with him or be his but my body doesn't cooperates.....and is frustrating.
Anyways the topic is much more deeper than just that.
But the truth is none of them feels I'm worth enough to fight for me or that I deserve to have what I dreamed for, I mean Rolly thinks I do deserve them but she's not willing to do anything to be with me, she's in Buenos Aires, so yeah why would she, right? besides maybe she's in love with her best friend and other people .....just to think that makes me laugh why do I thought she was gonna do something about "our love"? ....I'm just so laughable. But it was funny because there was a single little moment when she said she could do it...then she proceeded to say every single excuse she has to not to. And about Him....he doesn't feels like it anymore or that's how I feel whenever we talk about it its like we're not in the same page at least on that, He made me a lot of promises but with all this thing about me not caring for him is not willing to do them, he's been stuck on that feeling for a while.
I don't know what's going to happen with my life anymore. And honestly I'm just lost and confused about everything going on right now.
